July 12, 2011
Dear Mistress Didi*,
I have recently become collared by my Master and his ex is always making me see red. I try very hard to ignore her and to follow Master’s orders, but she always makes me get upset and Master has had to reprimand me several times. I know that she is trying to sabotage our relationship and I don’t want to be dismissed. What can I do?
Especially now, as the energies are aligning for Us to become the best We can be, it is paramount to take stock and value yourself!
Who knew that when I wrote My blog post, End of A Love Affair and the “gruesomes” that I would receive over 50 emails of thanks to date and they keep coming! I will tell the truth and say that My post was a warning to creatures I find offensive in every way to mind their own business and keep their noses out of Mine. However, as always, I endeavor to come from the Highest Place of Love and Consideration that I can present and in this way, I touched the hearts of many people to help them transition to a place of peace with relationship… stuff…
These dialogs all seem to resolve to the same place: the lack of recognition of one’s own worth because value is placed on someone else. Reality Check: 1) no one can love you if you do not love yourself and 2) you cannot love someone who does not love himself – he won’t let you and will torture you for trying (it’s the nature of the self-loathing).
Fortunately for Us all, I believe that to be of service is the highest goodand that’s not just for The Fetish Lifestyle. Many people don’t bother to actually read My website to be aware of My therapeutic credentials which are listed in My bio. And everything in My Bio is True. So, I’ve presented below a segment of some advice I gave in response to a letter from a fabulous person to remind Us all to remember to Value Your Truth. These tips are beneficial for a variety of situations in Our lives, not just for relationships of the heart.
Tips To Remember Your Value
… When a relationship ends, We tend to over-complicate things and over-analyze every thought and emotion We have. What you need to remember is that you don’t have to make yourself miserable when a situation doesn’t work the way you “expected” it to. Here are some tips for getting over “the blues” (whatever their source):
1) The question to ask first and foremost is, “How does what I’m doing right now serve Me?” Seriously, does sitting around sulking about a soured relationship actually do anything constructive for your happiness? Here’s where discipline is key:you can choose to be better. Develop skills and habits to support you Being Better.
2) Self-Assessment. Make a list of (1) the qualities that you like about yourself – list no less than 10; (2) things you know that you are good at doing; (3) skills/talents that you have; (4) things that other people you respect appreciate about you; and (5) prove each of the things on your list with real-life situations that you have done/are doing. Read this list daily to boost your positive and powerful energies and to render criticism (especially ugly-break-up accusations) useless and unfounded.
3) NEVER compare yourself to anyone else in her/his life. Seriously, why should you care? Why want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? If someone compares you to a person in their past, they have not moved on from their “drama” and cannot fully be committed to you. If they compare you to a new lover, defuse their abuse by saying, “Sounds like you deserve each other. Good luck,” and get away from them. Choose to have a better-for-you situation all the way around.
4) Identify how the PERSON differs from the IDEAL you hold/held of her/him. Every time you begin torturing yourself with false visions of how you want to believe s/he is, remember how s/he REALLY is and notice how HUGE the difference is. Most often, you will see that warning signs occurred in the relationship but Our commitment to Our fantasy ideals set Us up for a“predictable disappointment.” Next time, We can choose to commit to paying attention to the signs in order to make healthy relationship choices along the way.
5) Don’t play the “make-wrong-game” on yourself or the other person. The reason you feel that the situation was “wrong” was because it did not meet your expectations. The make-wrong-game fosters negative, toxic energy that turns in on yourself. Your time could be better used on forgiveness and loving yourself more so that you will attract the person who can love you the way you want to be loved and who will deserve to love you.
6) Forgiveness. When you break it down the to lowest level, you are forgiving yourself and the other(s) for NOT showing up to fit your expectations and/or fantasies.
7) Repeat often: “It could NOT have been any other way than the way it was.” Wasting time on what coulda-woulda-shoulda-been is completely unproductive. You could be indulging in Love-Me-Time and committing to your Joy.
8) Remember the good qualities that the person had which attracted you to her/him. This alleviates you from making yourself wrong for the fact that the person stopped displaying those qualities with you. It also validates the qualities that you like in a partner and frees you to continue to enjoy them in the NEXT person. Practicing this habit also allows you to smile and laugh at the good things, which is an exercise in positive energy generation for your success.
9) Forgive yourself for any and all situations that you participated in and acknowledge yourself for your good contributions. You did what you did, s/he did what s/he did and that’s that. Nothing was ever all good or all bad. Let the good be valuable to your Life Lessons and let the bad be indications of what not to do next time.
10) If the opportunity presents itself and is right, you can say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out and wish the other person well. You do this as part of evolving to the next level of forgiveness for yourself and for completion with the other person. Have NO attachment to their behavior or the outcome. Forgiveness is first and foremost for YOURSELF.
11) Listen to your thoughts and actively choose to condition them to support your goals. Pay attention. Check in before you freak out. Don’t be afraid of what you will find inside yourself because your ultimate power for happiness is within you. By constantly dwelling on negative, self-defeating thoughts, you create a void within yourself. “Nature seeks to fill a void,” so if you are not careful of what you put in, the probability for all kinds of dreadful crap to fill your vessel (people, DIS-eases, misfortunes, etc.) is VERY realistic. Again, develop skills and habits to support you Being Better.
12) Stop whining and move on. It seems that far too many of Us are conditioned to be addicted to misery. Too many people spend an enormous amount of time and energy making themselves miserable and when they can’t do that adequately, they look to make others miserable. Misery is the comfort zone for people who fail to brave to Be Better. The best way to make yourself – and others who have to tolerate you miserable is to “beat a dead horse,” as the dreadful expression goes. It is valid to have your feelings, to grieve, and to have your process. However, it is not the goal to make the grieving process your new existence. On this occasion, a little tough love will get straight to the point: grow up, stop whining, take positive action, and move on. Many people are not aware that they are trapped in the misery-making-mode. So, a good way to check if you are is to look in the mirror. Can you smile at yourself and like what you see? If not, do whatever it takes to Be Better.
14) Learn to enjoy your own company. This is the most important step of all. Without realizing it, many people jump into relationships to avoid feeling lonely and being alone. This fear is generated from a lack of self-validation and self-appreciation. If you don’t like your own company, why should anyone else? Make it a conscious habit to be good to yourself and with yourself.
NOTE: As you Become Better, there is the strong probability that many of the people you thought were part of your support system become tacky in ways that appear to be jealousy. Don’t take this as a personal attack; they are feeling their comfort zones being shaken by you braving to Be Better. You may have to make some tough choices to let them go – which may only be for now. But as you commit to loving and caring for yourself, you will attract people of like minds, like energies, and the ability to love you the way you deserve to be loved! I am living proof that this IS true!
And just in case you’re really dealing with some horrible creatures, being happy and looking fabulous are always the best … justice!
Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.