August 5, 2011
Dear Mistress Didi*,
[NOTE: Communication altered for privacy concerns.] I am dismayed by a friendship that has gone sour. It seems that everything was fine while I was out of work and depressed. As soon as I got my dream job, [name]’s attitude completely reversed from dear friend to enemy and I have no idea what happened! I am so happy that You observed this situation and I thank You for Your advice.
My friend, who is known as Knight of Halos, offered this Pearl of Wisdom:
When We exhibit Self-Esteem, Confidence, and Conscience, those who have what I call a “lack of self” (they lack self-love, self-awareness, self-value, etc.) meet you with the “4 I’s”:
Here’s an example of what that looks like:
Have you ever experienced a person who, when he recognizes that you are talented in some way, begins to nit-pick at every-and-anything you do (inadequacy)? Then, everything becomes your fault – the reason the sun isn’t shining today is somehow your doing.
He begins to do little things to invalidate you, such as withhold acknowledgement and/or affection (idiosyncracy). This behavior further devolves with accusations that you are trying to sabotage his sense of well-being and belittle him, usually with a focus on what he perceives as his accomplishments (insecurity) – until he accuses you of what he actually believes about himself – e.g., the bottom line: you think he is a loser.
Inevitably, and in just a matter of time, he must belittle you with concepts of how you are not good enough to be with him (this is a sign of narcissism in one of its forms that is contrary to popular understanding). YOU must be the problem that he does not feel as fabulous as he lies to himself that he is. It is easier to blame you for his recognition of his lacking than it is to actually do the work to improve himself to reach his personal goals (cowardice). All of these behaviors are classic demonstrations of an inferiority complex. We see this sad condition in all areas of the world, in all walks of life, in just about every situation We deal with.
This is why it is so important to Remember Your Value. Too many times, people We love and trust choose to operate from FEAR (False Experiences Appearing Real) at any cost. They fear that:
1) Your talent, skills, etc. reflect the worst that they believe about themselves to be true;
2) Since they are too lazy and cowardly to work on their “stuff”, they must blame the person who is living her success and happiness for their failures. This is usually accomplished by their creation of an offense committed against them by you; and
3) In this way, they can remain in their comfort zones of mediocrity, surrounded by so many other lazy cowards who will jump on their bandwagon against you to support their own inadequacies.
You can become a casualty of their wars with themselves if you do not protect yourself and maintain your focus. It’s fine to understand their emotional difficulties, but it is unacceptable to permit their lack of self to destroy your sense of self.
This is why Forgiveness is such an invaluable tool. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or saying, “what you did is OK with me.” (In fact, you should never forget; you should learn from the lesson. The offense was not OK with you; but you can use the experience to learn to choose how you will handle such situations from now on and how you will set boundaries.)
Forgiveness is about making peace with your actions and emotions concerning the person’s offenses to you. Holding onto resentment will only foster “dis-ease” and make you ill. You forgive the other person in order to move on to the next level of your development because you cannot change another person. The only person or things you can change in your life begin and end with you (how you choose to handle situations). Everything else is an agreement.
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.