The Mistress Didi*s Articles
Domme v. dumme
By The Mistress Didi*
Addendum added October, 200Gr8
A public service publication
There is a terrible injustice that has happened to the world of the true Dominatrix. Those of Us who understand the Art of BDSM and the D/s relationship have been confused with the wave of barely teenage, hoochies with whips and without a clue. I present the following to clarify the difference between REAL Dommes and what I call “dummes” ~ those who are too limited to acquire proper technique, cultivate submissive training, and educate themselves to the nuances of The Scene.
Although I have presented this article with a focus on the Feminine, the same concepts apply to “Masters” and “musters“, (those who attempt to “muster up” a façade of Dominance) but with a testosteronic (yes, I took the liberty to create that word) mania. I make it clear that in no uncertain terms do I present that Professional Dominatrices are “dummes”, although far too many are corroding the concept and the honor of being a Domme. I’m sure I will ruffle quite a few feathers with My views and experiences. However, it would be advantageous to read “submissive vs. substandard” for a better understanding and self-realization.
A Domme learns technique and takes the Fetish Arts seriously. Our focus is more on the thrill of Play and the fulfillment of Our lives in The Scene (and in general) than anything else. Dommes have friends in the Lifestyle with whom We share Our Fetish Fun. A Domme cultivates Her submissives and creates their behaviors to be “on point”. Our subs truly desire to serve, as is their purpose, and achieve great fulfillment through service to Us. Dommes are usually highly educated and indulge in intellectual stimulations. We always look to learn something new about technique and Play, even if We are considered to be experts. BDSM is not just kink to Us; it is an expression of part of Our Highest Selves in balance with the world around Us. A dumme is usually (pardon the expression) a “dungeon whore” who actually believes that the “dungeon master” is not just a pimp in disguise. (It annoys Me that it is necessary for Me to state that not every Domme who “does dungeons” is a whore, but considering the deteriorating state of The Scene today, it had to be done.) A dumme’s focus is on acquisition of as much material as she can get and quickly goes through the “trolls” who flock to get what they can from the new kid on the block. Where even those “1-hour sessions” provide the opportunity to train clients in the minimal of Scene protocols, dummes jump right into role play and neglect the duty of a Dominant to The Scene to convey even the slightest instruction — usually because dummes do not know anything about protocols themselves. In doing so, dummes ruin the respect for the rest of Us in The Scene who have to endure the ignorance of their clients being led to believe that being submissive is paying for what “they” want. dummes seldom have Scene friends; they usually have Scene associates who are “working the room” with them.
This is not to say that some Dommes don’t have stink attitudes (I know more than a few), but most Dommes have social skills of some kind. We know how to be cordial and respectful to other Dominants (even if We don’t care for Them) and to proper submissives. Dommes adhere to Scene protocols and take care to maintain the reputations We want to be known for. Most importantly, A Domme knows that Dominance begins with control of Oneself. Dommes are noticed and admired when We enter a room. On the other hand, dummes usually believe that to be a brat is a sign of Dominance, when, in fact, it is a sign of poor home training and a lack of self-esteem. They make the terrible mistake of thinking that this behavior can be expressed to everyone at any time, even to other Dominants. The care that goes into creating the dynamic of a D/s relationship is a foreign concept to most dummes, and they add to the misinterpretation of “sensual” to be equated with “sexual”.
A Domme gives forethought to Her presentation of Herself and Her Displays of Play. Her sophistication comes from respecting Herself and Her Fetish Arts. She embodies the term “Goddess” by being Herself a Work of Art with Her appearance, intelligence, education and social grace. A Domme does not accept just any ol’ sub. Quality Dommes have quality subs or choose to have none at all. A Domme controls Herself first and will even anger with eloquence. We will leave an ugly situation rather than “make ugly”, although there may be some exceptions. Dommes socialize to contribute to what the Scene has to offer. A dumme experiences life from a lower form of energy. Therefore, she attracts a lower energy and appeals to a lower level of The Scene. Art is missing as floggers flail without skill and her only consideration is how much damage she can inflict on the masochist. This woman is predominantly a sinister kinkster surrounded by trolls and sex seekers. A dumme usually finds it necessary to be the center of attention in brash, braggadocious ways. This behavior that dummes present to The Scene is more of an attempt to convince themselves that they are Dominants than it is to impress others. dummes are appreciated when they leave a room. Their need for attention is always expressed publicly with “drama” ~ and usually ugly drama. dummes mistakenly believe that this type of attention brands them as Dominant, when all it does is brand them as distasteful. dummes socialize to take what they can from The Scene and to find clients.
A Domme has definite structure to how She conducts Her scenes. She carefully orchestrates them around Her areas of expertise and engages the submissive to ride along the edges of his limitations while always respecting them. As I mentioned, a Domme is an Artist and Her goal is to create splendor in Her scenes; however She may express Her Art: from sensual to extreme. A submissive accepted for Play presents himself for Her pleasure and is rewarded for fulfilling them. Tributes are offerings for the opportunity to serve and please the Domme according to Her wishes. There is self-realization and evolution for both the Domme and the submissive through the dynamic She creates in Play. A dumme begins her scenes with the “submissive” saying what he wants; sometimes disguised in terms like, “i’m into…” The goal is the tribute in whatever form it takes and/or to have an audience. Scenes are a means to an end where a dumme tries to reinforce her belief that she has established herself as dominant and to fulfill the desperate need for attention and validation. Whatever gratification occurs is usually material and/or kink-sexual for the Players. There is no opportunity for expansion of self for anyone.
Ultimately, a Domme respects The Scene as an integral part of Her lifestyle where dummes use The Scene as a filler for what is missing in their lives and personal development. I find it interesting that quite a few dummes use The Scene to achieve higher goals, such as putting themselves through school, and then leave The Scene completely. I say, “Good for them” because (1) they are leaving The Scene (one less destroyer of The Scene’s integrity) and (2) they are moving on to what they truly want to fulfill their lives. Perhaps, they will be able to offer something valuable to the Whole and find happiness. I hope so. If I had My way, dummes would not be allowed to call themselves “Mistresses” as their practices are diminishing the meritorious stature of Dommes. There would be a different term for dummes, especially to separate the hoochie from the True Goddess.
Addendum October 200Gr8
originally printed in The Mistress Didi* Commands ~ October 28, 200Gr8 My Articles always make people think ~ something they should do more often. In particular, two of My Articles, Domme v. dumme and submissive v. substandard, do two things:
- they give solace to those people who respect Fetish and The Scene to know that its despicable deterioration in value due to behavior of others is not all that’s left of The Scene and We are not alone; and
- they allow people with these bad behaviors to recognize themselves and their associates in ways they don’t wish to acknowledge and this incites passionate needs to attempt to make Me wrong for what I live as truth. Of course, this never works and these people prove every point I make in My Articles about their kind.
Due to recent, unprofessional, and unpleasant events in the NYC Professional Domination Scene, tempers have flared, emotions are high, and the silly people come out in rare form. Those of Us Who LIVE The Scene are always bemused by the “visitors” who want to lecture Us on “how things are.” Below is a response to a newbie’s insistence on lecturing ME on what the ProDomination and Lifestyle Scenes are all about. In reality, he was attempting to pontificate to mask the recognition of the fact that his experience in The Scene is greatly “dummified” and his fantasy has been shaken by the truth I present and represent. I figure since I took the time to further explain My thoughts to him, I will allow him to be of further use and share with you what I wrote to further clarify My distinctions between REAL Dominants and “hoochies”. Hopefully, I won’t find a need to explain simple concepts any further. (LOL!) As a side note, there are many misconceptions that ProDommes are not Lifestyle ~ many are, many are not. EVERY ProDomme that I associate with is completely Lifestyle. Lifestyle does not have anything to do with money exchanges or the lack thereof. As the word means, Lifestyle is about how One lives One’s life. My response to the person’s reaction to My use of the terms “dumme” and “REAL Domme”: As you’ve pointed out, this is all about opinion and experience – yours and Mine. I live what I describe where the VAST majority of people on [message board name] only “visit”. So, the blur between what you think of in terms of ProDomination and Lifestyle is based on what you’ve lacked in your experience in The Scene. This is not a dig; I am pointing out that the difference in quality of expression of Domination in The Scene has declined with the rapid influx of dummes. The word “professional” connotes that one performs the activity as a profession, for a living, for remuneration. This is not exclusive to how the professional expresses the activity in all areas of Her or his life. Think of it in terms of dancing. There are dancers and there are dancers. Just because some person is swinging on a pole for money to music does not put her/him in the same class as the dancer who has spent the time learning technique, practicing, perfecting, and who has honored the Art of Dance. The same applies for ProDomination. In My experience, the lack of respect for The Scene has been fostered by dummes and expressed in the deplorable behaviors of their disrespectful clients. This is an abomination for the beauty of Fetish as Therapeutic Art which I, and ALL of the P/people in The Scene whom I know and associate with regularly, steadfastly believe in. We live in a place of intense, loving harmony with Our Fetishes and that can only be achieved and appreciated when the proper respect for The Fetish Lifestyle is given. When one chooses to only be a visitor to The Scene, s/he still needs to show the respect that those of Us Who ARE The Scene give to It and to each Other. dummes and substandards ruin it for all by making the mainstream misconceptions of The Scene into even worse sordid realities. Those people who are searching for the type of personal and spiritual growth and evolution that Fetish can give have an increasingly difficult time finding The Beautiful Fetish World because the disrespectful creatures blemish The Scene with their greed, stupidity, and tabloid exploits. Always MY Pleasure, The Mistress Didi*
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.