June 30, 2011
Q: Dear Mistress Didi,
I recently broke up with someone in The Scene. The problem is that where I live, the community is very small and everyone knows each other. Last weekend, there was a party and when I arrived, people had been talking about us and tried to get me to say what was wrong with him. What bothers me most is that the people who approached me were not even people who were ever friendly to me in the past. I felt very uncomfortable and left the party very early because I didn’t want to discuss our personal business with nosy people. Since this is where I normally socialize, how do I handle them trying to be in my business? And how do I keep my ex from talking about me to them? Thank You, Miss Private
Dear Miss Private,
It is difficult to take the high road with low-lives. However, that is My advice. The most important thing you have is your reputation. You and your ex know the truth, so no matter what anyone else chooses to think or say, your best defense is a strong offense.
Defuse the situation as soon as it presents itself. The moment someone begins prying into your personal business, and especially if they try to get you to speak ill of your ex:
1) Put your hand up with a gentle “stop” motion. This speaks to the unconscious mind and helps to reinforce what you say to them on a conscious level. Keep your hand near your own body – do not extend it into or near their space because this action will be perceived as invasive (even thought they are invading your space). Then withdraw your hand into your own body and bring it to rest, which reinforces that you are taking responsibility both to your own and to observers’ subconscious minds;
2) Be very kind, gentle, and direct as you take personal responsibility by saying something like, “It would not be polite or fair to [your ex] or to me to break the trust of our privacy.”
a) Taking personal responsibility does not overtly make the nosy people wrong and prevents egotistical defenses (unless you are dealing with a complete moron);
b) Maintaining a non-confrontational attitude alleviates you from being perceived as defensive; and
c) If they push the issue further, they will expose themselves to be nosy gossips, which they most likely do not want to do.
3) Immediately turn the topic of conversation on to the questioner – complimenting them in some way works best. People like nothing better than to talk about themselves. Complimenting attire or asking about something you know they are proud of or feel good about quickly takes the attention off of you and your business.
There will always be circumstances where you may have to do more work to get rid of a space invader. Some other tips I recommend are:
- “Excuse me, costume malfunction!” and walk away.
- Asking them why they want to know and then stating that you wouldn’t want them to be accused of gossiping so you will take responsibility to change the subject.
- If you’re anything like Me, just say, “It’s none of your business.” I usually do it ever so sweetly, with a lovely smile on My face, and jokingly as if their intention was to be humorous instead of nosy.
The goal is to maintain your dignity while refusing to divulge your personal and private information.
Should you encounter a situation where an offender will actually claim that your ex is saying crappy things about you, take the high road again with compassion. “I am sorry to hear that he is so devastated that he has to tell such stories! How pitiful.” And walk away. Walk away from that kind of offender because they are intent on disrupting your peace and looking for some kind of confrontation. I have actually had a situation where such an offender decided to follow Me around to badger information from Me, so I chose a very, highly-visible area where people observed Me say, “Now I know why people say you’re a nosy gossip.” And I walked away again. It was unfortunate, but necessary, that I had to embarrass this dreadful creature.
You cannot stop your ex or other people from saying things. The best approach is to make it a point to be observed being amused by the situation with a no-care attitude. And don’t be a drama-queen when you do it. Gossips and low-lives can only thrive if they disrupt your peace. If you present yourself as if you don’t care, you disrupt their feeding frenzy and they will soon latch onto someone else. If you really let go and don’t care about negative behavior, you free yourself to receive better things.
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.