Dear Mistress Didi*,
i’ve done everything to make a particular Domme accept me for service and She said no. I can’t understand why and not knowing what else to do is really bothering me. i’m going to see Her this weekend at an event and confront Her. Do You have any advice for me?
‑ notta quitter
Dear notta quitter,
Whenever you are rejected, remember 3 things:
1) Trust that there is something (or someone) that is right for you;
2) Look at rejection as an opportunity to learn from the experience. Ask yourself these valuable questions:
- How do you feel? Angry, belittled, despondent, etc.? Negative feelings are indications of what you feel you’re lacking in yourself. All too often, We can set Ourselves up for let-downs because We are placing Our self-valuation on another person’s response to Us. In other words, you are defining your worth based on another person’s treatment (acceptance) of you.
- Why do you feel this way? Be honest. Looking for the answers to this question will show you the covert, manipulative thoughts that are your hidden expectations. Most of the time, your reaction to rejection is based on the fact that you can’t have the fantasy you created in your head. There are no guarantees in any relationship. All things must be agreed to and worked on with integrity.
- What qualities do you really desire to have in your life? This question is important to determine not only what and why you want to be in service (or be in any situation), but what type of person (or situation) you are willing to commit yourself to having in your life. Yes, commitment is paramount. No Quality Domme wants to put the effort into training you to Her liking for you to do a half-hearted job, even at failing. Failure ALWAYS occurs when the idea of service in your head has no relation to the reality of actually doing anything to serve. Dedication must be the fuel for your desire in order to achieve your goals. When you know the type of person or situation you want in your life, only then can you make the proper commitment and be worthy of having Her or it.
- What can you do better next time? Never give up your search for the right Domme and, many times, you must deal with trial and error. But each experience will teach you something about yourself IF you are willing to learn instead of playing the make-wrong-game.
I have provided a most valuable and complimentary service to The Community to educate folks in Fetish Etiquette because I detest the lack of grace and manners that abominate The Scene. Download My Complimentary, How To Present yourself To A Mistress Guide (which is also an excellent tool for Dominants to use as a resource) and READ IT. I highly recommend that Dominants refer prospective subs to read it as a primer.
Now, I’ve taken the time to write the guide and I’m even offering it for FREE. I refer ALL to read it and I measure the worth of a potential submissive based on how s/he approaches Me. It is always clear whether or not a person reads My guide. It is a very useful tool for measuring a person’s dedication from the very beginning.
3) Let it go. Don’t be an annoyance; respect the rejection and move on with your life. Do not harass and definitely do not become an idiot-stalker – get a life! And be responsible for your life. The longer you hold onto things that are obviously NOT for you, the longer you will stifle the achievement of your goals. If your paths cross, be polite and say hello, and leave it at that. If you find yourself continuing to fixate on a situation that has been made clear is NOT for you, seek professional assistance because there is definitely something wrong with your way of thinking that will only cause you grief and trouble on a variety of levels. Choose to be healthy and well mentally, physically, and spiritually.
You must understand:
1) It is a Dominant’s prerogative to accept and/or reject anyone She wishes from Her (or his) Domain. She does not have to give you a reason and it is often best not to know Her reasons. Sometimes, a Domme is looking for something specific and most will outline Their requirements in Their web pages and online profiles. It is probable that your skill set, etc. does not meet what She is looking for and nothing more than that. Spending time trying to figure out why another person does whatever they do is a waste of your time. I am the type of Dominant Who definitely tells you why I reject/eject you from My Domain with the purpose of you (1) making improvements to whatever caused you to be rejected and (2) assisting you to not waste any more of either of Our time and to find the right Dominant for you. However, not every Dominant is like Me.
2) The sad truth is that the VAST majority of “submissives” are not truly submissive at all. Basic manners, paying attention to requirements to apply for service to Us, reading information about Who We Are and What We Want, and everything that should be common sense and courtesy are usually ignored because most people are only interested in their kinks and fantasies of how they want Us to serve them. See “submissive vs. substandard.” Did you follow instructions when you applied for service to Her? Or were you in a hurry? Did you even read the information She provided for you to understand what She wants and how She wants it? Or did you just lust over Her photos? We really do have better things to do than deal with time-wasting-energy-thieves, which is why We take the time to write Our requirements for all to read. As I’ve mentioned, I require all potentials to read My Etiquette Guide and I immediately know if they did or didn’t – which significantly saves Me precious time and energy.
3) Also, if you approached Her with your kinks, you can bet that you’ve turned off a Quality Domme. Unless the person is just in it for kinks herself, the Domme will want all of the fabulous fanfare and protocol that is part of the definition of Fetish as a Lifestyle. And, if She asks you to tell Her about your Fetishes – like I do – be certain to be as cordial as possible. Don’t address Her like you’re talking to one of the boys or to a sex worker – even if she is a sex worker.
When you find yourself stuck – for example, fixated on a person or situation; stuck in a rut or dead-end job – it is a sign that you are not facing fear that is controlling you. Being stuck is literally an inability and/or refusal to move forward, which only holds you back from fulfilling your desires. The feeling of being stuck is not just emotional, it is also physical and can result in symptoms like constipation, indigestion, headaches, and issues with the lower back, legs, and feet. The best way to get over a useless situation is to get on top of a useful one. Do something useful for yourself to shift your mindset from having a sense of loss to gaining perspective, experience, etc. Exercise, learn a new skill, take a class, read a book, etc. As the expression goes:
Backwards never forwards ever.
P.S.: April 4, 2014: Here’s a great video from Kute Blackson: Overcoming the FEAR of Rejection!
I’m a Domme, not your mom.
Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips“) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.