How To Move Forward & Strengthen From Crappy Relationships

Special Valentine’s Day Consciousness Preparation

While new INTENTIONS were made with all those resolutions, this New Year the focus is on your commitment to following through. In other words, what are you truly committed to?  That WILL be your result.  

The pressures of Valentine’s Day ARE real and torturing so many people whether they’re in relationships or not.  Maybe that’s why My inbox has been inundated with requests for advice relating to bad relationship endings and obvious needs for endings.  So, this post addresses How To Move Forward and Strengthen From Unhappy Relationships.  Trust Me; I am not only speaking from expertise as a Behavioral Therapy Life Coach, I’m speaking from Personal Experience.

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Dear Everyone,

Here’s what I will share with you to strengthen the validity of the advice I’m giving in this post: I am a “Love Adventurer!  I NEVER give up on Love and I thank every being in My Life who has been of value by showing Me how I was not loving Myself by being in a relationship with them.  I use the term, “relationship” to mean everything from romantic to business to casual associations.  I have been friends with, dated, and been in serious relationships with some “doozies” and the experiences of them in My Life will make a great Sci-Fi story!

I know not to throw away the good that people have offered to My Life because of the negatives they’ve been dismissed for.  Otherwise, I lose the experience I gained from them having any value in My Life and that diminishes the quality of MY Life experience: past, present, and future.  I’m always saying, “make them useful.”  The politically-correct version of that same concept is to find the value to appreciate in each person.  Here’s how:

The Secret to any and every relationship ending – whether it’s a love relationship, a job, an attachment to a favorite sweater – is your perspective.

You shall be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
– Romans 12:2, The Bible

Whenever We have a crappy break-up, We feel torn down.  Due to Our “conditioning” (social, religious, political, etc.), We go into “suffer mode.”  This is a tool of lizard-brain thinking that sets Us up to whine, which creates a cesspool of chemicals in Our bodies that dis-empower Us and set Us up for failure, self-abuse, and constant negativity for the lizard-brains to feed on.  For example, you’re heart-broken and moping around, the gossip ensues and fuels your humiliation (self-abuse), you become reactive and then have regrets with wishing you coulda-woulda-shoulda, and the toxic experience drags you further down into the vortex of negativity. (See How To Deal With Relationship Gossip)

NOTE: It doesn’t matter if you believe in “energy” or not; there is scientific evidence that supports the effects of thoughts and emotions (how We interpret energy) on Our physical bodies/health.  Some people even invite disease into their lives from maintaining poisonous perspectives – and poisonous habits.

This process WORKS.  As with all things, you have to work it.

The following behavioral modification process is also a Training Technique for successful D/s experiences.

1.  Be AWARE of your thoughts.  Awareness is the key to change and to success.  Notice where you feel tension in your body when you think such thoughts.  Pay attention to (1) what triggered those thoughts, (2) your train of thoughts, and (3) the responses in your body.  The more you are aware of the dynamics of your process, the more you will be able to identify what triggers your feelings, habits, actions, etc.  Becoming aware of your mind-body connection is the most important aspect in identifying and enhancing your ability for self-control.  No matter what the circumstances are, being aware of what holds you prisoner to misery will shift you from stagnation and going nowhere to opportunities to create “better” in your life.

It is very important that when you become aware of a (thought) feeling, that you “have your feelings” – which means to honor that you feel that way.  However, have your feelings, don’t be ruled by them.  Feelings can be irrational motivators for behaviors you will regret when you do not consciously choose what you want to create.

VERY IMPORTANT TOOL: To disrupt a toxic habit, thought, etc., use The Tapping Solution in conjunction with Steps 3 and 4 below.

2. Stop playing “the blame game.”  Placing blame on others or yourself only creates stagnation and further decline into unhappiness because you place judgment on the situation.  Reality is subjective.
It (the situation) is what it is, period.  Your perspective – a.k.a., conscious choice of beliefs – creates “your reality.”  A perfect example of this concept is how a group of people can witness the same event and each one will have a different description of what happened.

So, while you’re feeling abused, experiencing guilt, berating yourself, detesting someone, it does not serve you to dwell on WHY things happened.  WHY is a useless question that supports the blame game and no matter how much you contemplate the WHYs of a situation, it will get you nowhere (stagnation).  You can never know why someone did something because many times, there’s a good chance that the person doesn’t know why himself due to his own lack of awareness and the fact that people lie to avoid personal responsibility.  And, logically, how will knowing WHY change anything?  You will still need to do whatever is best for you to learn from the experience and move forward in your life.  Insisting on needing to know why is just a trick to convince yourself to avoid your own, personal responsibility to let go of your attachment to coulda-woulda-shoulda.  You have the opportunity to be greater than you have ever been before by stepping up your personal responsibility instead of falling down into despair.

If you find yourself stuck in playing the make-wrong game, chances are that you are defining yourself as a victim and that never leads to any good.  No one can break your heart without your permission.  While the experience of giving your trust to someone who does not appreciate it – and who may even abuse it – totally sux, it is your attachment to how you wanted them to receive your trust (love, care, etc.) that hurts you more than they ever could.  In other words: how you wanted the situation/person to be instead of accepting what was available to you in truth is what causes you the greatest pain.  Contemplating what coulda-woulda-shoulda been is a disservice because, in reality, it could not have been any other way than the way that it was because everyone (including you) and everything was only able to be and do what they were in the moment.  Remember: it is what it is and your interpretation is what frees you to a greater self-love or imprisons you in self-defeat.

ToolsForgiveness; Keeping Cool With Karma

NOTE:  Understand that Forgiveness does NOT mean that you should forget; it means to (1) let go of your decision to be “bent out of shape” about the situation and (2) choose to learn how to Be Better from having had the experience.  If you forget, you may create opportunities to have to learn the same lesson again… and again.  The major part of all lessons is changing your relationship with yourself in relation to the experience.  In other words, who and how do you want to be: a winner who is empowered in your life? or someone who focuses on loss = loser.

3.  Define your goals; what do you want?  All too often, people are taught and maintain the practice of focusing on the negatives.   In other words, they answer the question with what they don’t want – which does not state what you do want.  Focusing on the negatives conjures up sensations and subconscious attention on what’s lacking, including a lack of personal power.  And focusing on negatives usually does not help to reveal what you do want.  Also, focusing on negatives invokes fear and you attract what you fear because what you focus on expands.  Only when you are clear about what you want can you create it.

Tools: Domina101™ Workshop Preparation; Feel Good & Empowered: Practice Gratitude because when your mind is in a positivity space, you create empowered action.  See also Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work?

4.  Create a new trigger to conjure empowering thoughts to take empowering action.  The point of creating new triggers is to take control of your automatic response system via your awareness and conscious choice.  There is a wonderful NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) technique called “anchoring” that creates a “resourceful state” by conditioning a physical action to achieve the desired state.  In other words, when you become aware of defeating thoughts and actions, you can immediately change your state: how you feel, think, behave, etc.  Anchoring is, literally, cultivating the ability to snap out of it and be proactive!

Here is an excellent tutorial on creating and activating anchors.  Use anchoring in conjunction with The Tapping Solution.

More Tools: Tips To Remember Your Value to easily identify empowering, personal triggers to anchor your desired states.

NOW…

Are you experiencing resistance to what I’ve presented above?  Take this opportunity to practice awareness and notice your thoughts and what you’re feeling in your body.  Is your chest tight? jaw clamped? face pinched up? breathing shallow? throat locked?  Just observe without judging yourself.  Now, breathe into the restriction in your body and exhale with a relaxing and releasing sigh.  OWN that release and anchor it.

As Tony Shaloub as MONK would say, “Here is the thing:”

You have to want to move on.  Yes, it’s scary, but FEAR = False Experiences Appearing Real.  Yes, you will love again (unless you choose to be a coward and constipate your emotions and experiences).  And maybe you will have another heartbreak (from having expectations, but that’s another topic).  However, what are your alternatives?  To be a whiny, self-defeating, bore who will inevitably attract another person to disappoint and devalue you because you’re doing exactly that to yourself?

(Of course, there are too many people who define themselves by misery, trauma, and anything and everything negative and defeating.  While misery loves company, even other miserable people seek to get away and stay away from these folks.)

The choice is yours.  I always ask Myself: what do I want to say about My Life at the end of My Life?  I want to say, “That was fantastic!”  And I always ask Myself – especially when crappy situations occur – what do I want to feel about My Life right now?  I want to feel, “What an adventure of Being Better than I’ve ever been before!”  A Fantastic Life is created in the process of the journey.   You cannot have a journey if you remain stuck in one place, thought, etc.

The choice is yours.

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If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

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Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.