Category Archives: Technique

The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

How Fetish Saved My Life

Dear Mistress Didi,

I’ve often heard You say that Fetish saved Your life. Please tell!

Domina D.


Dear Domina D.,

The short answer is that when I accepted My True Nature as a Fetishist, I became well, whole, and happy to BE ME. Whenever I say that, people ask Me how I achieved this state of Grace. I will attempt to answer that question here.

I recently conducted a workshop in My vanilla life where participants were asked, “As a child, what type of literary/movie/etc. character did you most want to be (most identified with)?” I always identified with Magickal folks, fairies, sorceresses, and the like. I wanted to flutter around, sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, making the land a beautiful, happy place. I also wanted to turn horrible people into toads and slimy creatures that fit their wretched personalities, to be preyed upon for sport by powerful beings – MUAHahahahaha! My Nature has a Divine Duality: I am a Divine Sadist-Giving Goddess and The Agent of Karma.

I was born a Domina. I’ve always had “attendants” whose pleasure it was to please Me and do My bidding. This IS the Natural Order Of Things, My Natural State Of Being, and it always has been. I was the kid on the playground who created a game so that everyone could play. I understood the nature of males was to be empowered to be the builder-protectors and the females are to be revered and attended to – which is also the Natural Order Of Things. This has worked for Me every time I’ve flowed with it. As a toddler, I always led the group and in kindergarten, I not only had submissive boys who did My bidding, but even brought Me My cookies and milk on a daily basis with pomp and proper circumstance. I made them My guards of My Palace and charged them with the duty of protecting and pleasing their Queen. Those boys attended to Me until the 2nd Grade when I moved away – and got new submissives within the first week of attending My new school. That’s just the way it was and, after many trials and tribulations against My Nature, this is the way it IS by My Choice.

I have always been “different” and never “fit in.” As an adult, I realize that is because I choose to be My Best and to excel to the best of My ability in whatever I do. This could largely be because I was a frail child who spent an average of 3 months a year being ill and in and out of hospitals during My formative years. I know now that while everyone thought they were doing the right things for Me, I was forced to “be against My True Nature” – which I steadfastly believe contributed to My chronic illnesses. On top of that, I am highly sensitive and allergic to many foods and chemical medications, so one can imagine how stressful much of My childhood was for Me and My family. Now, top that crap-cake off with a chemical imbalance in My brain that results in severe depression and not being able to tolerate anti-depressants, and any intelligent person can understand My position and opinions as I Walk My Talk and am an expert in health, wellness, and Behavioral Modification – which is quite useful for training in My Domain (see My Bio).

As a child, I didn’t understand that petty jealousies and sabotage are the result of people lacking self-love. So, while I was going through life sprinkling glitter and joy with My Magick Wand, turd-tards attempted – and continue to try – to disrupt My Flow. Even people I’ve trusted and accepted as Family have had jealousy-fits and not only caused damage to My Domain, but even to My physical body. I was taught to “be the better person,” and chastised for standing up for My needs because crazy beliefs were instilled in Me that to be the better person meant to ignore the horrible behaviors of offenders – you know, that misunderstanding of the “turn the other cheek” concept (By the way, Jesus didn’t say to get beat up!).

Because We live in a world where:

  • sheeple are slaves to religions that they’ve never even thought to investigate the histories of or how the doctrines came to be (which is exactly how I discovered that being a reverend was not for Me);
  • creeple and sheeple use their religions (among other things) to play the “make-wrong game” for every expression that is connected to Nature and even use religion to justify heinous crimes such as genocide, the destruction of the planet, and cruelty to animals to name a few; and
  • big corporations control the media, Our food and healthcare, and access to information,

I, like everyone else, was brainwashed to conform to “society’s standards” – which made Me physically, mentally, and emotionally ill for the vast majority of My life. In my quest to conform, I allowed “older people,” whom I thought must be wiser from life experience to make Me wrong about everything that was true to My Nature. At the age of 17, I knew everything about human nature and how I needed to fit into the world that I know now at a considerably older age… I’ve come full circle to My Truth: I am a Fetishist – not to be confused with a kinkster (see The Difference Between Fetish & kink). The people I trusted for guidance berated Me for My feelings and observations, and some even literally told Me that I would go to hell if I continued with that line of thinking. I didn’t want to go to hell! So, I entered college to become a reverend and have My own church for all the other seekers to gain an understanding of and be closer to this foreign concept of GOD and how “right and wrong” made no sense to Me.  (I subsequently started My own religion, SpiritualHedonism™ — if L. Ron Hubbard could do it, so can I!)

I turned away from My Fetish Reality and began adapting the limiting, pseudo-religious-and-completely-misogynistic doctrines that taint society’s morals. I dated a multitude of morons – and married a few, too. Some people can fit in and believe that they are happy with conformity and sit on the couch, watching “judgment TV shows,” stuffing their faces with junk food, and blaming their poor health and miserable lives on everything and everyone else as they repeat their toxic behaviors daily. I am not one of those people. I have always wanted to be better than I was the day before and my quest for knowledge led Me to study Behavioral Therapy along with a variety of health and wellness modalities that I became a Certified Practitioner of. In My quest to Be Better, I achieved a few degrees and multiple Certifications; travelled the world with a few businesses I started; enjoyed a short career as a professional dancer and went on tour; joined scientific think-tanks; and did many exciting things I’ll keep private but which most people would kill to be able to experience. But I was not happy; I was empty inside. I had no passion for living and I felt like an alien banished to this planet because I did not relate to My contemporaries. Something great was missing.

Between constant battles with depression, feeling that life wasn’t worth the effort, and the vampires who attached to feed on Me like sharks in the ocean that can smell a drop of blood from ½-mile away, more than once, I came to a point where suicide made sense… After My children died, I spiraled into what I termed, “The Deep Blue” depression that was so horrific that I was unable to leave My bed. I felt worthless and that if I did not exist, the world would be a better place.

By the grace of The Universe, I had the loving pleasure of two, little dogs I rescued who were the reason I was able to force Myself out of bed to take them for daily walks. One day, while sitting in the dog run, a stranger began a conversation with Me that I will never forget. However, here’s the strange part: I do not recall ever meeting him, but he remembered Me from a Fetish event years before – in The Good Old Days when class, integrity, skill, and honor defined The Scene – or at least The Scene that I indulged in. The outcome of his conversation was that not only did I need something to thrill Me, but I needed to Live My Truth. When he handed Me his card which read, “submissive” with his tastefully naked photo, hands cuffed, and a collar around his neck with a chain held by a black, lady’s leather glove, he requested to be of service to Me.

What happened next is freaky enough to be a ghost story and perhaps, it is. I called and, he being a hardcore masochist, was exactly perfect to reignite My Passion with one of the most memorable Play dates I’ve ever had. I’d forgotten how intensely amazing the electricity feels as it flows through My body when I Play – and especially when I indulge in heavy, hardcore S&M. Fetish is the only expression that connects all of My senses and aligns My mind, body, and spirit in transcendent ecstasy! ALL is right in My World and The Universe when I am indulging My Fetish Expressions! What was supposed to last an evening, lasted a weekend where I was reminded of and treated like the Goddess I Am. This beloved submissive wore My marks like badges of honor as We walked through the streets and dined in fabulous restaurants. When it was time for him to leave Me, he said, “Please remember to pay it forward and help someone else to rekindle their Passion.” That was exactly something I would have said. He kissed My hand and said, “Until next lifetime.”

I had no idea what he’d meant by that until I called the following day to thank him for being so fabulous. An elderly man answered the phone, told Me that this had been his number for seven years, and that he’d never heard of the submissive… (OK, maybe this isn’t a ghost story and just an honorable release, but the ghost story is much more exciting and that’s the story I’m sticking with!)

And so, I ventured back into The New York City Scene to discover that it had significantly declined in quality during My absence and, sadly, My former associates were no longer in town. The events were loud, obnoxious, meat-market, “kink stinks” that forced Me to create My own events (much against My desire) in order to (1) have at least one Fetish event that I would enjoy and (2) attract the quality of Fetishsts that I desire to associate with. These are the reasons I continue to produce events today. I believe that if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem.

My Passion was in full force as I returned to honoring My Nature, so nothing would stand in My way. Through trial and horror, I attempted to “play nice” with the barbarians, but as the pimp-mentality males took over the dungeons and the parties – and dared to attempt to invade My Domain to dicktate their desires for My Events, I remain a lone warrior – and happily so. Money is not My god and My Events are ways to raise funds for My Charities. Every little bit helps charity so My Events range from small and intimate to larger and still intimate! (Sadly, Fetish discrimination abounds and I cannot publicize My Events in association with specific charities to prevent negative backlash to them from the ignorant “public” – which is even more ignorant due to what I call “50 Shades of Foolishness” — Protect yourself!)

Along the way, I’ve endured back-stabbing bitches; sabotage; stalkers; takers-shakers-fakers-noise-makers; psycho subs; an earthquake, a flood, 2 hurricanes – and I’ve lost all of My possessions each time; the deaths of a few, good subs (and We know how hard they are to find!); and much more that shall also remain private. Each and every time, Fetish saves Me from despair and worse because:

  • I am a Domme by Nature, not for fashion. I believe that True Dominance begins with Self-Control and I maintain My Domain (and My integrity) by remaining committed to being Who I Truly Am with no excuses or apologies;
  • I am a Giving Goddess and in My desire to give back to The Whole, I offer free advice and complimentary lessons in technique and Domain maintenance on My Website and My Ask Mistress Didi* Blog;
  • I am a spiritual person and in order to balance My Sadistic Self with My Benevolent Self, I am a Responsible Sadist with the motto: Don’t start none, won’t be none; I finish it. When I am prompted to whiplash folks into the proper, respectful perspective, I always do so by planting a seed for their evolution. Like any seed, when the garden is cultivated, the seed blossoms into something beautifully beneficial. If the garden is untended and poisoned with weeds, the seed putrefies and withers into a slow and painful death. The choice always belongs to the owner of the garden where I plant the seed. As Antonio Porchia said, “I know what I have given you, I do not know what you have received;” and
  • Perhaps, most importantly, Fetish has allowed Me to know, love, and like Myself more with each passing day through Self-Acceptance, Self-Respect, Self-Control, and Self-Determination. I Am A Domme.

Over the past decade, I’ve created unique events that have attracted My New Fetish Family to Me and I founded EpicuresNYC Private Members Fetish Club which has grown to a new location and permanent home. I’ve kept My promise to pay it forward and be a beacon for those who are searching for BetterFetish™ to explore, enhance, and evolve their lives. I have helped, and continue to help, many people find their place in The Scene and find comfortable, self-respecting ways to develop along their own, unique paths to healthily integrate Fetish into their lives.

On both good and not-so-good days, knowing that I Walk My Talk and Live My Fetish in Real Time keeps Me going with Joy and a zest for Life!

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

The Difference Between Fetish & Kink

©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

April 20, 2015

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

Can you please explain the difference between Fetish and kink?

Respectfully, sub5b

~~~~~~~~~

Dear sub5b,

First, I qualify My Statements by owning My Responsibility for My Experience and My Reality. Everyone else will have their own, unique experiences and expressions that are valid to them. And many more will have fantasies of experiences to insist are valid to attempt to invalidate others.

Fetish is the entire dynamic of personal and inter-personal expression. Fetish is how you feel on all levels – physical, mental, spiritual, emotional – about something (an activity, object, etc.) that makes you have a sense of wholeness. Fetish is inspirational and gives you a thrill to be alive! When you are connected through your Fetish, you experience a heightened sense of awareness which brings you to a more fulfilling understanding of yourself. Fetish makes you feel great about who and how you are.

Fetish is the Art of Sensuality beyond the mere physical realm of sexuality. When you respect your Fetish Self, you transcend the mundane entrapments of the vanilla world. Fetish, when respected and cultivated, is a Life Art that continues to evolve with your experience of it.

For example, I’m a Shoe Fetishist and when I wear My shoes, I indulge in how they look on My feet, how the shape of My legs are accented, how I feel when I walk-sit-stand in them, how I coordinate the accessories, how I feel when I trample someone in them, and so much more! There is a glowing, empowering energy in the center of My Being when I get My Shoe Fetish on! And I am thrilled to be alive!

Fetish is empowering and takes you to new heights in your experience and existence!

Kink is only something that is used to achieve some state of sexual satisfaction. The end goal is the orgasm, which leaves out the nuances of Artistic Sex and, all too often, is bereft of interpersonal connection beyond the orgasm.  In other words, are you merely a means to an end?

Fetish expressions can be used for kink pursuits, but kink is a poor substitute for Fetish Experience. Think of it this way: Fetish is the whole cake with frosting and the sprinkles on top are kink. You can enjoy cake without sprinkles because it has the many ingredients, skillfully and deliciously prepared and presented for total enjoyment. Sprinkles by themselves are just sprinkles; they make a poor substitute for a delectable dessert. And, or course, there’s cake and there’s cake. The quality of the ingredients and the skill of the baker determines the excellence of the cake.

As you know, I promote Fetish as Therapeutic Art and am only interested in Quality Fetishists whose interests go beyond the “tip of the drip.” Unlike most people, I don’t create events to make money (most of My Events raise funds for My Chairites) – which is one reason why I do not hold My Events in dinky-dives. The other reason is that I do not patronize dinky-dives! I design events for excellent experiences; I don’t just put up a few pieces of equipment and have an “anyone goes” policy. Attendees at My Events have an opportunity to engage in intelligent conversation, share experiences, participate in eloquent Play, and practice techniques that are taught in My Party Classes, all while enjoying hand-picked, fine beverages and gourmet hors d’oeuvres in an elegant environment. My dj’s carefully design music mixes to My specifications to relaxingly, stimulate participants and accommodate the vibes for the event. I create encounters that appeal to the senses and sensibilities to inspire personal and collective transcendence during My Events and beyond. Friendships and community are just a few, real benefits of attending My Events.

It is My experience that kinksters are lazy and have a “do-me” attitude while offering very little-to-nothing for Me to enjoy. While they are crazed with the quest for their orgasm, they usually lack manners and any sense of civility, too. (This is why I have strict Rules for My Events and a detailed, screening process before allowing anyone to attend them.) Once kinksters have achieved “nut-bust,” they have nothing else and no interest in having anything to offer. I say kinksters are lazy because while they want the thrills of Fetish, they fail to offer basic respect to those who create the opportunities for those thrills to exist in the first place! People who insist that they don’t have to honor the Protocols that are important to you are not worthy of you. When the focus is on a “quick release,” there is a lack of attention to the details that make life and Fetish special.

A sure way to tell the difference between a Fetishist and a kinkster is by their approach to you. A Fetishist will take her/his time to engage and inspire a desire for communication with them. A kinkster basically approaches you as if you’re desperate for attention and should be thrilled that they sent you a message without even a “hello,” didn’t address you by name, and expect you to decipher texting abbreviations. When you reject them, their behavior reminds you why birth control should be free. There is no care for you as a person, there is only “the search for the squirt…” While it may be some people’s thrill to be treated like crap, I call that abuse, not Fetish.

Then, there’s abuse. Abuse takes many forms: emotional, physical, verbal, financial, racial, gender, resources (people are hungry, sick, and hopeless due to an abuse of resources and access to them), and so much more. Quite often, people can even love you in an abusive way! Abuse, while being a sign of a lack of self-love, is a direct violation against your right to exist in a healthy and happy way. While 50 Shades foolishness has every self-loather – from the frigid, so-called feminists to the Bible-thumpers who need to make others wrong from a place of complete ignorance – in a tizzy, insisting that The Scene is about abuse, be aware that their entire agenda is abusive to every and anyone who does not subjugate to their vicious rules. Again, Fetish is about respect, everything else is something else.  (See How To Handle Lizard-brain Thinking Attacks)

NOTE: It is easy to fall into an abusive situation. No matter what people who insist that it would never happen to them think, there is a level of caring that can suck you into some crazy stuff before you know it! DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF WRONG FOR CARING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS EMOTIONALLY DEFICIENT TO ABUSE YOUR LOVE. And, love yourself more for acknowledging abuse, for choosing better, and for loving yourself enough to let the abuser go. It takes a lot of courage to leave an abusive situation, but it also takes extreme courage to face yourself and what allowed you to get stuck in the first place. By forgiving yourself and releasing the offender, you evolve into your Greatness. Anyone who makes you wrong for your experience is not worthy of your further attention. Cut them off like a gangrened appendage.

Fetish excites first from the intellect, then it travels through all parts of your body and mind to ignite the spark of your spirit! Kink stops at “moist” – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, if that’s what you want. Issues occur when people are not honest and clear (See Rules For Clear Communication).

To determine the difference between Fetish and kink, ask yourself these questions:

  • In this moment, how do you feel about your past, your present, and your future with this person/on this path? If you feel less than fabulous, the experience is not Fetish. It may not be kink, either. There is a difference between testing your boundaries and being subjected to discomforts that are out of your safety zone.
  • Do you feel like someone is trying to “get over” on someone else? If you have that weird sensation of the fear of being taken advantage of, that is not Fetish and may also not be kink. Of course, this is for the person who is not attempting to manipulate the situation…
  • Do you feel like the experience will honor who you are as a Fetishist? And/or do you feel it will honor your own kink zone? The key is to feel respected in your choices for yourself first and foremost.

To summarize, Fetish is loving respect for yourself in the moment toward your future while kink is a momentary quest for sexual gratification. Ask yourself what you really want and be honest.

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

10 Domina101™ Workshop Tips

©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

February 18, 2015

I continue to receive an inundation of requests for help on topics that are covered in the Basics of what I teach in My Domina101™ Workshops, which I conduct to raise funds for My Charities. While I understand that We’re busy people, I remind you to read what I’ve already provided in My Ask Mistress Didi* blog before contacting Me. I took the time to write it and I generously share it with you for FREE.

The reason I offer My Wisdom From Experience for FREE is because:

1)    I am disgusted by the state of The Scene and its continued decline in quality, civility, integrity, beauty, and intelligence – which is the same reason I produce My own events for lack of any I’d care to attend;

2)    Money is NOT My Goddess and I believe in The Laws of Karma and Attraction: what you put out comes back to you multiplied; and

3)    I know that The Universe will always test your commitment to your Greatness, so I share how I deal with lizard-brain thinking and creeps of all kinds to assist the worthy in maintaining the positive energy to withstand the barbarian assaults.

The tips that I present below are the simple concepts that are further explained and explored in My Domina101™ Workshops.

10 Domina101™ Workshop Tips

1)    Clarify. Download and/or read My Domina101™ Workshop Prep Guide to identify, define, and refine your past-present-future choices and desires for Your Domain Your Way. You do this not only for Your clarification, but also to gain the maximum value of what I share.

2)    Reality Check. Understand that the vast majority of the folks on these anything but “social” sites are self-loathing, losers whose sole purpose is to play the make-wrong game. The vast majority of those are fakers-shakers-takers-noise-makers who are there to waste Your time by manipulating “free sessions” – in most cases, their primary desire is to abuse You. These creeple believe that they gain some sick sense of value by attempting to steal your energy. This is why a tribute is always required. See Being Superior: My “How To” Process and Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want

3)    A tribute is a commitment to honor Your time and energies and it weeds out the worthless. The commitment is to and for You from Yourself as well as from the submissive. Just because the hoochies-with-whips have creeple insisting that a tribute is financial, does not make it so. It is for You to decide what and how a tribute should be given. My motto is: From each according to her/his ability, to each according to My desires. Depending upon the relationship and the worthiness the submissive has demonstrated in real-time, I have allowed submissives to bring a tribute as simple and inexpensive as 1 flower to add to My floral arrangement. Under no circumstances do I permit access to My Domain without tribute. Period.

4)    Make creeple useful. No matter what You do, the self-loathing will jump to attack You. Without engaging them, use them for Your purposes and amusements. See Make Rudeness Serve You, Flip-Flopping Attempts to Top, and The Last Word

5)    Purpose. Determine the purpose of the submissive and only reward her/him for proper service. Make sure that Your “punishment” is not playing into their fetishes, which only yields You being taken advantage of. See Manipulation Tactics: Who’s Topping You?

6)    Friends and Associations. Sadly, We live in a world where You are judged and mistreated for (and often by) those You associate with. Choose Your associates with the same discernment (maybe more) that You use to choose Your subs. See Fabulous & Guilty By Association

7)    Gossip Control. Have more than You show, say less than You know, and only tell them what You want them specifically to know. See How To Deal With Relationship Gossip

8)    Educate Yourself. Learn how to receive so that You are not Your own worst enemy. Invest in fetish education, first-aid training, and stay up-to-date with the legalities of Your location. See Fetish Safety & 50 Shades of Foolishness

9)    BE SAFE. See Safety Tips For Dommes

10)  Self-Control is the ONLY real control there is. You are responsible for Your Domain and who has access to and influence in it. See The True Discipline, Check In & Center of Attention and Chill Out Training Technique: The Tapping Solution

To participate in the next Domina101™ Webcam Workshop and help Me raise funds for My Charities,

 Click Here

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopsNews


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

AskMistressDidi.com

How to Deal with Piggy Dom/mes

A Domina101™ Tip

December 27, 2014

This post is in response to a few conversations regarding an incident where a Dominant made a few enemies due to her lack of courtesy. Let this be a guideline for You when You’re “Domme-tripping,” and for how to deal with head-trippers.

Never expect anything from a pig except a grunt.
~ #quote My Fabulous Grandmother

AskMistressDidi.comYou know that thing: the oh-so-Dommey-Dom/me who condescends to You right off the bat? Even knowing that You’re a Domme? Not that condescending without a good reason is ever ok…

My recent experience of that thing while celebrating the Holiday Spirit:  I asked a few Dommes I’ve been aware of if they would like for Me to mention them and their works in My Holiday Newsletter. One lovely, Domina said thanks and didn’t give Me drama-not-on-Broadway where drama belongs. The other one is the perfect representation of what I’m writing here and I’ve made her useful for a Domina101™ training. Now:

1)    I am a very gregarious person and a strong supporter of Women Supporting Women;

2)    I am in NO way desperate for content for My Newsletter or for anything that I do; and

3)    I am not asking for anything from YOU other than exactly how you would like Me to present your work in My Newsletter, which is more for-and-about-you than it is for Me.  If one chooses to look at the situation as someone doing something for someone else (which I don’t), I’m doing YOU the favor of free promotion – not the other way around. I am generously sharing My resources with You.

We all know that technology today makes it possible to research the person you’re dealing with before you make a complete turd of yourself. And yet, it is My experience on a regular basis that all these silly creatures do is look at My photos and immediately make up ignorant- fantasies about Me that are extremely limited… The really gruesome just look to pick out specific words in something you and I post online about OUR experiences to play the make-wrong game. And those who believe that they are as ugly as they are, are outright rude in person – as if somehow, everyone observing will not peg their behavior as jealousy. Pity these people; there is something seriously lacking in the quality of their existence that makes them hostile and combative. Pity them, but definitely put them in their places – beneath You.

While I do pity them, I find it helpful to understand the motivations for their rudeness to prevent Me from wanting to completely eviscerate them. I am a Responsible Sadist whose motto is:

Don’t start none, won’t be none – I finish it.

How To Handle The Piggy Dom/me

1)    Recognize that s/he is intimidated by You and needs to convince herself of her false-sense of superiority. People who suffer from inferiority complexes often believe that if they can force their idea of dominance onto you, that they will prove to the world that they are superior to everything and everyone else.

2)    Whatever You do, do not become hostile. That’s exactly what they want You to do! They can only feel alive through negative experiences because that is the punishment of people who focus on lower-level activities and expression. These are the people, after all, who usually don’t exercise, eat well, or read, and who rush to watch judgment-TV with bowls of junk food-stuff on a daily basis. That is the recipe for toxicity and they are toxic in mind, body, and spirit. So, they most certainly can’t feel good about themselves and they want to disrupt the flow of everyone who not only lives well and feels good, but certainly those who look good! These are also the people who are quick to call YOU conceited for having a sense of style – which, in My Opinion, is Our Duty To Society.

3)    Dismiss them. As always, You have the choice in how You wish to respond. I usually treat them with pleasantries and respect right up until the moment they serve their purpose for Me dealing with them in the first place. Then, I immediately change My tone of communication to a clearly-dismissive one. This lets them know that they are no longer of importance and shakes up their comfort zone. The best part is that I always “plant a seed of torture”Domina101™ participants know what I mean! Ahhh, delicious!

A favorite story recanted among My Associates is of a male dominant who had the audacity to think he could bark orders to Us at an event. You know the type: the guy who thinks that every woman – especially Dommes – really want to sub to him.  It was immediately clear to Me that this person would never be someone or something enjoyable or of value to Me or Mine. So, I chose to “nip it in the bud,” as the expression goes. I stood in front of him, pointed My finger at him, laughed genuinely, turned to My submissive and walked away, laughing. For the rest of the event, I specifically let him see Me enjoying Myself with worthy humans and not once did My eyes glance in his direction. I made him disappear. As usual, the gruesome grapevine passed along his attempts to defame Me, but witnesses addressed his rudeness before I ever got wind of their remarks – not that I care about gruesomes have to say anyway. They only serve to add salt to the wounds of My sprouting seeds of torture.

4)    Most importantly, let it be known that You don’t care about them. They have served your purpose and are unworthy of further attention. People who do not care for themselves want you – anyone – to care about them. Because they know that they are bereft of redeeming qualities, the only tool they have to be noticed is gruesome behavior. And that’s where pity can be a most useful tool for You.

As a Responsible Sadist, I find comfort in leading them by the nose into seeing just how ridiculous they are. Because I am a firm believer in Karma, I always find ways to give a reality slap that permits offenders the opportunity for personal growth – which is good for My Karma, which is always My primary motivation. What they choose to do with My Gift is their karma.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com

 *****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.

 

PartyDomme.com

The Secrets of Happy Fetish

December 10, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I am curious to know if its bad that I keep the BDSM thing strictly to the bedroom. Can you please explain how it works as an everyday lifestyle thing? How does one live the lifestyle without it being an abusive relationship?

Kind Regards, L.

~~~~~~~~~

Hi L,

I am waiting for My morning coffee to kick in, so please read this with a splash of humor, as I intended it.

The answer is NO, I cannot explain the answers to your questions because your questions are like: What is the purpose of Life? and What is the meaning of the Universe! Any answers to such questions will be subjective – just like the concepts of what is right and wrong for your relationship would be.

What I can offer is:

The Secrets of Happy Fetish

  • ALL things originate and end with SELF-Control: What you will and will not do/accept/reject, etc. are up to you to choose for yourself.
  • SELF-Love and Respect are integral parts of Self-Control because all CHOICES We make – whether We acknowledge that they are Our choices or not – are in direct correlation to how much We love and respect Ourselves.
  • Personal Responsibility is the Truth of All Matters.  Everything else is One’s perspective (usually based upon what We avoid facing about Ourselves).

I know, tough concepts. But really think about them and observe the evolution of your perspectives as you consider them in relation to your past and present experiences. Then, you will notice how these concepts apply in your future. This is a continuously evolving process as Our consciousness grows. It is a very powerful tool for creating Happiness.

Now, as for keeping BDSM in the bedroom, that is completely your CHOICE.  If you choose to expand from kink to Lifestyle Experience, that, too, is your CHOICE – which includes how you will DESIGN your relationship(s) with the people you CHOOSE to have in your life.  You are the creator of how BDSM and Dominance/submission – and EVERYTHING ELSE – will be in your life.

When you operate with Self-Love and Respect with Self-Control, you take Personal Responsibility for your Life Choices. This does not excuse the “creepazoid factor” – it means that instead of blaming yourself, everything, and everyone else for your experiences, you choose to learn from them and forgive yourself and others so that you can move on to freely create your Happiness.

Abuse is an agreement.  Yes, that’s also a tough thought to consider, but all effective therapies that actually help people to heal from abusive relationships involve the 3 steps I listed above and usually begin with taking Personal Responsibility for being in the relationship. It is important to note that Personal Responsibility should not be about making yourself or others wrong. Personal Responsibility IS about allowing the experience to be part of your process of evolution. Forgiveness is a huge part of that process because We must give up Our attachments to belief systems that do not support Our Happiness (the could-would-should’s).

Do understand that My Domain is uniquely Mine and that I advocate on a continuous basis that everyone is responsible for designing their Lifestyles on their terms. Having said that, here’s how I work D/s and BDSM in My Life:

1)    One of My tenets is, “From each according to his ability, to each according to My Desires” (a little Play on Marx and Engels).  So, each person who AGREES to My Terms to be allowed the enjoyments of My Domain offers unique qualities for My Happiness – or they are dismissed. End of discussion.

2)    I am a Harmonious Domme, meaning that all that drama-not-on-Broadway is not for Me. I like peace and beauty and lots of joyful amusements! My PleasurePain™ Techniques are rewards for good and proper service. My punishments are withholdings of pleasure (to put it very simply).

3)    While I am open to suggestions, it’s ultimately My way or not at all. If anyone discovers that they do not wish to comply, they are free to go. I will wish them well. Next!

4)    The VAST majority of My submissives and admirers are NOT sexual in nature (and the lucky few have cultivated the magnificence that makes them worthy!). Since most people sleaze around in the kink-mentality and call what they’re doing, “fetish,” they are too limited to comprehend the tremendous value that exists in higher-level living. I offer a LOT of FREE Mentoring; the worthy do the work. I have no concern for the rest.

5)    Which brings Me to: I take excellent care of Myself and I want what I offer. I deserve THE BEST. I do not accept anyone who identifies with being a “lowly” anything; been there, done that, it was boring.  I want people who are interested in BEING the Best they can be on a regular, evolving basis. This makes My Domain difficult for fakers-takers-shakers-noise-makers and a True Paradise for the worthy.

How I Implement The Secrets of Happy Fetish

1)    I look at each individual as an adventure and an opportunity to be an amazing chapter in My Life Story. How they show up is their choice.

2)    I stay true to My Self. I know what I want and choose for My Domain. I have learned – and continue to learn (without judging MySelf) – that whenever I think I’m being kind and deviate from what I want and from following My instincts, “turdity” will occur! I have committed to no longer taking pity on people. As I stated, I want what I offer and I deserve The Best. I choose not to accept the pitiful into My Domain because they never want to elevate their consciousness to being their bests; they always, only want to bring you down. Giant yawn…

3)    When people disappoint Me, I FORGIVE Myself first and foremost because in doing so, I give Myself the opportunity to learn about Myself and My Journey to enhance My Happiness.

a)    While I recognize “turditude,” I follow Don Miguel Ruiz’s advice in THE FOUR AGREEMENTS and I don’t take it personally because I understand that people act out against their truths and project that onto you because they are afraid to face their own, ugly realities. This is not an easy practice, but it is always worth the effort!

b)    This practice also keeps Me forever positive and feeling – and looking – fabulous! You know what they say: Looking good is the best revenge… Fortunately for all The Universe, I don’t do revenge; I Trust Karma. Karma never lets you down.

If you’re looking for “how to” do your fetish, I advise you to do a LOT of research and consider the source carefully. As I’m sure you’re aware, the majority of creeple you’ll find on popular websites are just takers-fakers-shakers-noise-makers who mostly blab to convince themselves of their fantasies and offer nothing of value.

You can take advantage of all of My Complimentary Gifts on My Websites and, if what I believe resonates with your Truth, you can choose to indulge in My Webcam Workshops.

Wishing you All The Best!

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Dealing With Disappointing People

SPECIAL Opportunites: Check out My Newsletter!

November 11, 2014

Note: I receive numerous correspondence (yes, grammartically correct) about people who betray Our Trust and Friendship – especially since a person who considered herself a professional Domme and “My” best friend outted My submissive in a public venue (causing him child custody problems) and continues a claim-to-fame by using My name… yawn.  Glad I don’t have her Karma ahead!  This entry is advice that helps to put your perspective where it belongs: On Your Greatness.

~~~~~~~~~

I’d like to offer these Gems that I’ve learned the hard way (but that’s what makes them Diamonds – to use a metaphor!):

Someone wrote to Me:

I realize that I have been making myself wrong for feeling “ugly” towards certain people. I take on the responsibility for things that happen even when I am not the reason things happened the way they did…  I am not powerful enough to be the cause of everything that happens between me and others in my life.

Actually, We ARE that powerful, but not in the sense of perceiving cause-and-effect in such black-and-white terms.  I’ve learned that Free Will is also not so simple and that most people make choices based on FEAR (False Experiences Appearing Real) and FEAR lives strongest in the subconscious mind.

The thing about the subconscious mind is that We must practice Awareness in order to be free of FEAR and evolve to Being Better.  This is an extremely scary, and often, difficult thing to do which is why most people spend time finding fault to blame others rather than looking at what motivates their actions to do so.

In this age of information overload, the impulse to be distracted seduces the “lesser mind” – hence the inundation of UGLY amusements – e.g., the fake “reality TV” shows where the most banal behaviors are “entertainment.”  And people wonder why their children are so abominably behaved when the constant input into their own and their children’s conscious and subconscious brains is nothing but degrading negativity.

We cannot escape it; We can only strengthen Our SELVES to DEFLECT it.

Now, here’s where those of Us who practice Awareness get tripped up: We judge Our valid feelings.

We have the right to feel hurt, betrayed, etc. when people disappoint Us.  But here’s the thing:

  • We are not wrong for trusting someone at their word; they FAILED to live up to it.  Your word is ALL You have, You are.  Your Word is Your Power – every religious and wisdom doctrine and philosophy says so.  For example,

John 1:1
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

 —  Please note that I am not a Bible-thumper; I use whatever wisdom is available to help Us connect on Our Highest Levels.  I believe that this is the whole point of having all of these wisdom sources available to Us.

  • When people disappoint Us, they are giving Us GIFTS to:

~ see their true worth and to re-categorize their value in Our lives from this point forward.  My Mantra:  I love you for who you were in My Life and I release you for who you choose to be.

~ see the opportunities for Our growth and the variety of choices We HAVE to commit and re-commit to BEing Our Best

~ practice DETACHMENT, which is not ,”NOT caring” – it’s caring more for Yourself to maintain Your Wellness.  Forgiveness is the Key – and forgiveness is not forgetting or saying that it’s OK that they were poopheads.  Forgiveness is FOR You to be free of torturing Yourself for their failures.  Forgiveness is also so that You don’t get wrinkles and frown lines!

  • The situation itself IS WHAT IT IS.  EVERYTHING else is Our judgment of it.  I know, that tight grip right in the heart-solar-plexus area kicks in.  But right there is the best indication that LETTING GO is required.  We have to LET GO of Our woulda-coulda-shoulda habits and expand Our Awareness for what We can do and BE Better.
  • We also have to be kinder to Ourselves and permit Ourselves to have the full spectrum of the human experience on this Earth plane at this time.  We can only do that by releasing preconceived notions of what a situation  should be (ego) – including Our feelings – and allow Ourselves to respond from conscious choice rather than to react from FEAR (False Experiences Appearing Real = expectation).

This is why meditation is NECESSARY to BE Our Bests.  We need to fortify Our SELVES in order to deflect the ridiculousness and stay focused on Our Truth.  I like to envision wearing a suit of glorious armor made of mirrors when dealing with knuckleheads.  I let their negative energy be reflected back to them to see their true selves and be inspired to evolve.

Also, by considering offensive behaviors and people as giving Me gifts makes them useful – which is always easier to deal with them accordingly.

So, We ARE that powerful and the power is to recognize that their failure is NOT Our doing: It could not have been any other way than the way it was.

Our power comes from consciously choosing Our next steps from a place of Self-Love, which does not preclude love for those who have offended Us.  We can choose HOW to love them – which, in My case, usually means cutting them out of My life completely so that no one ends up dead or in jail! Ha!

Karma is a fabulous thing: people cannot escape their Truth, no matter how hard they try.  They just delay the inevitable.  And when they must face their Truth, they always come back...  And that’s the best part because I’m a Sadist Who, while I forgave them a long time ago, I don’t let them have the comfort that they came to Me to feel forgiven for their offenses against Me.  Their guilt is their problem and their Karma.  MUAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.com

Make Rudeness Serve You

October 11, 2014

A Domina101™ Lesson

In the most recent session of The Domina101™ Collective Webcam Workshop, I presented the signs of the “substandard” who fakes being submissive.  As always, I can encounter any number of grossly-behaved, barbarians on websites where trolls and barbarians go to pretend they’re Fetishists and the rest of Us have to filter through the squalor.   Filtering through the “undesireables” is easier and less time consuming when you have the tools to maintain the integrity of Your Domain.  Below is a typical example of a faker-shaker-noise-maker and how to stop its idiocy while securing Your Dominance Comforts.

The Tool Tips are:

  • Copy, paste & revise as needed because the archetypes of fakers-shakers-noise-makers are ALWAYS the same.  There is no need to address each individual when they really are one-size-fits-all in terms of insecurities

~~~~~~~~~

subqueerling [name changed because I have integrity]:

And there it is!  your real intentions: to look to be threatened/offended so you could pretend to FEEL some sort of self-value with rudeness.

Know that you have exhibited value by being of service to Me.

you have been useful by exhibiting ALL traits of a “substandard” (as opposed to a submissive) for participants of My Domina101™ lectures – specifically:

  • proving the real intention of your query was to convince yourself of how smart you think you are by posing a question under the pretense of seeking answers and agreeing with what you believe you already know
  • showing a lack of real self-esteem (and quality home training) via attempts at condescension because you feel threatened by knowledge rather than being able to consider proven concepts beyond your limitations
  • showing obvious lack of attention to direction to find information

All too easy and boringly typical, but you’ve been useful nonetheless by being “less.”

And now, you will NEED to have The Last Word.

Ahhh, delicious! The conflict going on inside you now: if you respond, you prove Me right again!  If you don’t, it will eat you up inside!

No matter to Me. I have no further use for this situation on any level.

More Resources you’ll probably ignore, too, but you were actually right when you wrote above that they will help others:

How To Handle Lizard-brain Thinking Attacks

Lizard-brain thinking instigates that another person’s actions and intentions come from the lower-level, nefarious intentions of what lizard-brain thinking would do if ever in the same situation – which is seldom ever the case because…

READ MORE

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopsNews


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.  As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking.  In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events.  She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Rules For Clear Communication

August 13, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

I want You to know that I completely disagree with [NAME WITHHELD] and I did not feel like You were trying to tell me how to be a “real Domme.” I have been thinking about Our conversation and I now see what You pointed out as “possibilities” to be true!  The sub was topping from the bottom and he did hear what he wanted to hear when he wanted to hear it.  It became clear that he was playing me!  I was explaining [what You said] to my Domme friends and request that You please say it again to make sure that we get it right.  Thank You!

Miss ShaR

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Miss ShaR,

First, I thank You for receiving My observations as possibilities and for not feeling threatened by fantasies that My intention is to dictate anything to You or that My way is the “one twue wayyy” of Dominance – like the h8ters accuse. Clearly, h8ters never realize that using that concept is a cop-out for their own feelings of ineptitude and their inability to receive or perceive beyond their limitations.

I offered what I observed as a possibility from My own personal experience; that I could be wrong; and that the possibility could be something to consider. I noticed that You repeated Yourself more than twice to the sub, who was busy being interested in what he wanted to be interested in at the event instead of doing his job, attending to You. Unless a Domme’s fetish is dealing with people with ADHD-type behaviors or repeating Herself, a sub’s lack of attention is:

  • Disrespectful to the Domme. What is a submissive’s purpose in Your Domain? To serve You on Your terms as You decide he will serve. If the sub – and especially in public – is not attentive to You, it appears to The Scene that You are at fault in his training – no matter what the real deal is. And that presents a picture for all kinds of annoying situations to think that they can make a home in Your zone because not only are first impressions lasting, but too many creeple are out here looking for any and everything negative to disrupt Your flow – even if they have to make it up;
  • A sign of a lack of commitment to his service agreement with the Domme. There are whole generations of folks who believe that they can demonstrate the worst behaviors which will inevitably be forgiven and forgotten til the next time – and each and every time. I believe that this is a poor-parenting failure that is perpetrated on a variety of levels. The brat gets away with it at the source of his relationship identity and fully expects the same from You and everyone else on the planet, evidently…; and
  • Stressful to the Domme and, subsequently (no pun intended) to the sub. While there are tons of creeple addicted to chaos, most of Us don’t want to be stressed – especially in Our Fetish Lives.

In defense of a sub, quite often, communication rules are not clearly defined and mishaps can happen. This is why I present to The Domina101™ Collective:

Rules For Clear Communication

Know What You Want

First and foremost, a Domme needs to (i) know what She wants and (ii) choose the best ways to communicate Her wants. All too often, I see people barking orders and the sub as no clue what is really being requested of him because the Dominant doesn’t really know either! Vague commands yield “non-results” and are a setup for failure all the way around. Most submissives will default to what they already know (training from someone and somewhere else) when they do not have clear directives. It is imperative to know exactly what you want to have a starting point to be able to communicate your desires.

I streamline My conversation to the best of My ability – e.g., carefully choosing explicit words for EXACTLY what I want in order to make it easy for people to understand Me. The problem is that everyone is conditioned to believe that they can magically anticipate what someone wants from what we think they should want based upon our fantasies of their lives. I suggest that You research effective communication techniques for project managers because, after all, You are managing Your Domain. You will develop Your own sense of what works for You, of course, but the more You know, the better things go!

I am also consistent. I clearly define and relay My Rules to everyone, including posting them online, for people who want to participate in My Domain to be personally responsible for adhering to them. I actually have a script so that I tell each person the exact same thing and I have them repeat what My instructions mean in their own words to ensure that misunderstandings are not on My end. Each and every time, culprits attempt to insist that their behavior was in My “best interests” while clearly disrespecting My Rules – which is always merely them enacting their own agenda without consideration for the commitment they made. Their typical next step is to attempt to feign being offended and lashing out against you (i) because their behavior is not excused and (ii) for pointing out their wrong-doing with documented facts.

The Hearing Technique:

Most of the time, people speak at each other and not with each other.  To enhance comprehension:

1)  Identify and get clear on what You want to say.

2)  Choose the simplest, most direct words to communicate what You want.

  • Further simplify by expressing it as if You were communicating with a 5-year-old. This is not to be condescending (unless that’s part of the Fetish!); it helps you to be certain that you’re being clear

3)  Ask the person(s) to repeat back to You in their own words so that YOU can be sure You communicated clearly and were heard; revise as necessary

Often, I will tell the submissive about this process so that it is further enhanced by his own awareness of and focus on the technique. How people show up is what makes it worth Your while to continue with their service to You.

I use this technique in all of My communications with Dominants and submissives alike. It takes a bit of practice – and practice cannot always guarantee perfection. Some people are committed to being disruptive (See How To Handle Disruptors). But these tools will enhance your best efforts.

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbookWorkshopshttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning. The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD. As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking. In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events. She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

 

Success With Body Care Recipes

NOTE: This letter was edited to protect identities.

September 13, 2014

Q: Dear Mistress Didi,

i am writing to thank You for Your Body Care Recipes.  i have been competing with my brother submissive for my Domme’s favors and to accompany Her on a vacation.  he is very handsome and younger than i am and he knows how to use what he has.  So, i always feel like i have to work harder to please my Mistress.

i read Your article (Happy New Year Love Me Recipes 2014) and immediately felt great!  i really enjoy how something so simple and easy to do can make such a big difference.  In just a week, i noticed a difference in how i looked and how good i felt – physically and personally.  my skin is soft and looks healthier.  And i’ve noticed little pimples on my skin are almost gone!  Best of all, my Domme has noticed and says She enjoys Playing with me even more!  Yesterday, She gave me the privilege of joining her on vacation!  She told me to give You Her thanks, as well.

Thank You, again, cherub

~~~~~~~~~

Dear cherub,

you’ve made My day!  It is always wonderful to know that what I share is appreciated!  I am delighted for you and Your Domme!  Have the best vacation ever!

Thank you for letting Me know about your success!  I promise to share more goodies in the future.

Always MY Pleasure,
The Mistress Didi*

www.PartyDomme.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*. Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook©The Mistress Didi* ~ PartyDomme.comhttp://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.  As well as being the Founder of The Fetish League, The Mistress Didi* is a Model, Speaker, Author, Fetish Facilitator, Certified Hypnotherapist, Certified Psychotherapist, Certified Nutritionist, Certified Aromatherapist, and a graduate of The Institute of Culinary Arts with a specialty in vegetarian cooking.  In Her* quest to change the public’s negative view of Fetish to a positive understanding of Fetish as Therapeutic Art, The Mistress Didi* promotes Fetish Appreciation through Her workshops, performances, and ClassicFetish™ Events.  She* believes that the goal of the Dominant-submissive relationship is self-evolution for both to grow towards becoming the best that W/we can be as individuals, to each other, and to The Whole.

Why you Don’t & Won’t Have What you Want

UPDATED

Dear Mistress Didi*,

You were unfair to dismiss me…  i tried my best to serve You…  You didn’t give me a chance… [Other whining without acknowledging responsibility omitted.]

‑ “pitty-me” sub

I encourage people, especially Dominants, to pass this on to subs, “wanna-subs,” and others who dare to attempt to guilt You into tolerating their abominable behaviors.

PAY ATTENTION:

I am consistent for a reason: to maintain the excellence of My Domain on My terms and to thwart whining attempts to top from the bottom and other idiot behaviors by manipulative creatures.  The Rules of My Domain are provided to EVERYONE, listed on My websites, and even listed on The DommeSalon™ site so that there are NO valid reasons nor opportunities for irresponsible, whiny, outrage that you do not have what you want — and you never will — not from Me or anyone of value.

I am unique.  I take the time to be as clear as possible by writing My requirements and making them available to EVERY person who desires to be a part of My Domain and I also make My Rules publicly available.  VERY few Dominants do this – why they don’t baffles Me when the practice cuts down on the fakers, shakers, and annoyance makers.  The process I use for My Rules is consistent with how I run My Domain and My businesses.  I seldom, if ever, deviate from this process because it is the deal-breaker when people want to “work their idiocy.”

When your intention is to use a situation to accommodate who you think you are without respect for the situation, you deny the opportunity for growth of any kind and you will always end up being deficient from the same pattern of behavior as demonstrated by your failure in My Domain:

1)  you psyche yourself into believing you are worthy of a situation that thrills you – that you do NOT have in your life, but which you DO want.  Many people see a BDSM movie and, just because they think they are amused by identifyng with a Dominant or get a stirring in their loins from thoughts of being a submissive, they believe that they ARE already this fantasy as a reality. Foolishly, because you know that you’re full of XXXX, you want to believe that I am – though I repeat Myself when I tell everyone that this world and way of being is My REALITY AND MY LIFESTYLE.

I often encounter this scenario with newbie Dominants who, after seeking My counsel and tutelage, get carried away and think they can tell ME how to be a Domme…  What’s worse are the ones who forget their manners and dare to think they can dick-tate the terms of Our relationship to Me (see Confusing Dominance For Bullying).

2)  you RECEIVE AND AGREE to My Rules, which I email to you prior to permitting you to connect with Me for service and you say anything to get moving on your scheme of crazy thinking that I will acquiesce to the ridiculous standards that you are accustomed to with the silly females (and males) in your life.

What always amazes Me is how any of you can think that you are so “special” that I will suddenly NOT maintain the Domain I’ve built and have sustained for the greater part of My life because you popped up wanting the same thing I’ve heard for many years and continue to hear day in and day out.  None of you are ever original; same stupidity, different moron.

REMEMBER:  you want What I Have and Who I Am because on your deepest level, you know that the value given to you by the silly females/males in your realm is FALSE.   you need Me and Mine to desperately try to convince yourself otherwise.   you should be grateful to these silly people and treat them better.  Their delusional love for and about you may be all you have to get you through your life.  While less than what you want and deserve, at least, be worthy of them.

3)  you LIE and attempt to cheat by not honoring your agreement/following instructions and try to shirk your responsibility in all aspects of the scenario.  Worse, you dare to pull a “brat attack.”  I do not see how anyone with an iota of intelligence can think that I will be guilty for NOT accepting your choice to be inferior.

4)  Soon, you realize that you’ve dug your own grave because, again, I HAVE WHAT you WANT, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.  I graciously gave you the chance to step up and show up to be worthy of what you want and you failed.  That recognition of your reality is going to eat at you for an eternity.  Why?  Because:

  • you maintain delusions of believing you are greater than you will ever be because you do NO work to be better;
  • you will always be inferior because you are lazy and ludicrous; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and, therefore, will fail in your goals by either doing a half-azzed job which will result in ineptitude or by not realizing them at all.  you will remain a loser.

5)  When you fail in your pathetic tirade to Me, you run to any and every loser who will gobble your maligning tales against Me like the toxic, gluttons they are.  you will then foolishly believe that you found your niche and a “community” where you can live out your fantasies. The only thing you will find are others who mirror your inadequacies.  your reputation will become known by Quality Fetishists and humans, who will shun you.  The more you associate with slime, the faster your lack of value will be noticeable by those who actually have what you desire.

Think of it this way:  puss starts small and expands –> gangrene –> amputation –> discard of the useless appendage –> beauty marred and functionality impaired –> life sux more and is harder.  

IMPORTANT NOTE:  This analogy is meant to connect a personality defect to the physical level for better conceptual comprehension.  If you are a soldier who lost a limb(s) honorably, NO ONE OF VALUE will consider you less beautiful and definitely not less functional because soldiers are miraculous people who CAN do anything.  Remove your greatness from anyone who does not appreciate you.  This is why it is so important for Us to SUPPORT OUR TROOPS, VOTE FOR Veteran Benefits, and pay attention to who/which pundits do not (always the same creatures who want to send everyone else’s children to war).

While there are a lot like you, there is only one Me.  you will quickly be replaced by those who are always waiting in line to serve Me and those who follow The Rules are always granted sanctuary in My Domain.  Those who enact the mediocre behaviors that define you will join you in the world of sleaze, greed, and irresponsible dangers parading as fetishists in the world today.

Summary

  • you are delusional in your views of yourself and when given the opportunity to indulge in what someone else created that you want, you refuse to do any work to be worthy of it;
  • you lack respect for what you want and those who have created it and you lie, cheat, and attempt to defame when you fail; and
  • you refuse to accept personal responsibility for your failings and you will remain a pathetic loser.

AGAIN, I advise you to download and read My Complimentary Fetish Etiquette Guide, How To Present yourself To A Mistress.

Always MY Pleasure & The Best,
The Mistress Didi*
www.PartyDomme.com
www.Blackthornz.com

*****

If you have a question that has NOT already been addressed, you may Ask Mistress Didi*.  Remember your manners…

I’m a Domme, not your mom.

More of The Mistress Didi*s Words of Wisdom

FREEbook

Workshops

http://askmistressdidi.com/1/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/readmynewsletter.gif


Being a Lifestyle Dominant for Her entire life, The Mistress Didi* has explored various aspects of the BDSM and D/s Scenes including 24/7 relationships, slave ownership, Professional Domination (before it became synonymous with “hoochies with whips) and Fetish Event Planning.  The Mistress Didi* has benefited from an extensive education in the functions of the human body and psyche, holds a Master’s Degree in Rehabilitation Therapy and is currently working on Her PhD.